Crystal Swing are a showband made up of three members of the Burke family from Cork - Mary, the mother, Derek, the son, and Dervla the daughter. They exploded onto the scene last year when their shoddy promo video "She Drinks Tequila" became a youtube sensation. They were interviewed on The Late Late Show and Ellen and came across as friendly, amiable sorts. However when asked to decipher the root causes of their new found fame, the Burke's attributed it to the song and the quirky energy of the video. We at home smirked at their innocence, we knew EXACTLY why the video was a hit, and if Crystal Swing knew they probably never would have left the house until the whole thing has blown over. The reason why the first video was so popular was because it looked like the son was going to do the daughter while the mother watched/cheered on. Its an unpleasant thought that reflects very poorly on our standards as a nation but its 100% true.
Their latest song, a cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse Of The Heart", is accompanied by a video that's a cross between Straw Dogs and Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love". The video was made for Republic of Telly and features Derek beating up a squad of bikers that have chained up his mother and sister. The video was made by the perpetually snide Republic of Telly which, Rubberbandits aside, has all the artistic merit of a senile family member rereading the same joke from a Christmas cracker for the fifth time. The video piles on the incestuous vibes, going so far as to show the Burke siblings screaming declarations of love into each others face with unblinking unnerving eye contact.
Irish show bands probably consists of a long and proud history of sibling serenades. Donna and Joe from Eurostar a few years ago used their "will they/won't they/they're brother and sister you know/really? gross" factor to represent us in Europe. Unfortunately their mixture of Zeus and Hera sexual tension and music so bad it'd make your ears fall off your head and then jump off a bridge failed to impress the 200 million people watching. And when Donna and Joe came back we tore shreds out of them as if their victory had been preordained, a destiny that was scuppered by a lack luster performance on the night. We, the Irish people, had no more cause to be disappointed in Donna and Joe for failing to win Eurovision then I have cause to be upset with my dog for not answering my phone and taking a detailed message while I was out of the room. If the song is bad and the performers awkward and not terribly talented then failure is more of an inevitability then not.
Jedward, a harmless twin brother pop duo, are the latest family to benefit from Ireland's love affair with awful music and the snide confidence from anyone over the age of 14 that they're definitely doing each other. With hair they look like they photocopied from Brad Pitt in Johnny Suede coupled with a shrillness that could melt concrete, John and Edward were declared national heroes before we'd even heard them not quite sing. Try as I might I can't out and out dislike them. One of them ( I think the one whose predominantly on the left) broke his leg on stage and carried on in agony until the end of the performance. When you consider the sympathy pain that twins feel for each other that shows an unfathomable level of commitment. I once hastily wrapped up a stand up gig because the ice in my coke had melted, leaving my drink more watery then I care for.
The ability to sing has never stood in the way of many of a non singer finding work as a singer. This can be good and bad, there's a sliding scale. The likes of Bob Dylan and Townes Van Zandt might be told to shut up in a pub if they started singing "The Gambler" but they're recognised for the artistry of their words and the character of their performance. Conor Deasy from The Thrills (I can't remember if they were siblings who were all doing each other or not, they probably were) probably has a harder time but he's still the songs author and that's got to be worth something, even if the songs are ridiculously over romanticised love letters to one's J1 work visa destination.
(Incidentally I've written my own album about my American summer work experience. Its called "Fuck The Thrills". It charts myself and my friend Steve's journey throughout that magical summer of 2005.
1) "The World Is Our Oyster"
2) "We're Getting Jobs In Manhattan!"
3) "Wait, No We're Not!"
4) "The Two Best Cleaning Ladies Fire Island Hotel Has Ever Seen"
5) "That Cat-sized Cockroach We Share Our Room With Hates Me The Most"
6) "I Don't Tan, I Go Red And Then Green"
7) "My Boss Tells Me London Bombings Or No, I Can't Call Checking On Anyone's Safety Until After My Shift"
8) "That Girl Who Kissed Me Has A Fiancee and He's Mental"
9) "Eating Through A Straw"
10) "The Straw Broke, Where Am I Going To Get The Money For Another Straw"
11) "Lads, Meet Your New Roommate Tony. He's A Prick Who Will Have Sex With His Girlfriend On The Top Bunk"
12) "Steve And I Race To See Who Can Cry Themselves To Sleep The Quickest"
13) "There Is Not God"/ "Eating Through A Straw" reprise
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When Crystal Swing are elected by the people to represent us in Ireland next year, the country needs to immediately adopt a "Well they tried their best" attitude. We're not a nation of winners, not anymore, and we've nobody to blame but ourselves. If the Eurovision is so important to us then why don't we beg someone like Neil Hannon to hop on a plane and restore our national musical dignity. There's some great bands and recording artists in Ireland at the moment. If only we give a tenth of our attention to celebrating and championing and forwarding on good music by good artists, then maybe we could finally start fighting our way out of what we've become - a nation of hypocrites snidely honouring shite while simultaneously eulogizing quality.
