UNTITLED POPE ACTION SPEC

    

    

    
Here's the first few pages of my action movie script. The remaining 93 pages are available for a fee to any moneyed producers. I have made possible casting notes in the text.

Regards,

The Author







    

    

    

    Diplomatic Immunity - Bringing Down The Pope

    

    

    

     By 

    

    

    Giles Brody

    

    

    

      

    

    16th February, 2013

    

    


     

    INT. THE VATICAN MAIN CHAMBERS - NIGHT

    We start at the door to the enormous and decadent room, 
    passing by hoards of pissed bishops and cardinals wankered 
    on sherry. They're up to all sorts of carnal debaucheries 
    with an assortment of blood drenched humans and animals. THE 
    POPE (Alan Rickman) sits curled up in his enormous throne 
    electrocuting puppies in descending order of cuteness. He 
    zaps one and cackles with delight. He's having a great time 
    altogether. 

                            THE POPE
                    Electro-cute-shun?

    He fries another Corgi before turning to his right hand man, 
    GRIMES (James Spader) who is sneezing in the faces of sick 
    children.

                            THE POPE
                    Tell me Grimesy, what's a Pope got 
            to do around here to get a Nutella 
            sandwich on white bread with the 
            crusts cut off and a nice cold 
            glass of full fat milk?

                            GRIMES
                    You haven't earned it yet, I don't 
            believe you've sweated enough. 
            You've been fiddling with them. 
            Dilly dallying. Prolonging the 
            inevitable. Not doing what needs to 
            be done.

    Without breaking eye contact the Pope takes out a blow torch 
    from under his vestements and melts the remaining pooches. 
    The fire continues hissing out of the funnel until Grimes 
    finally sweats. The Pope smiles, throws away the flame 
    thrower.

                            THE POPE
                    Looks like you've worked up a sweat 
            Grimes. Perhaps you're the one 
            fiending after Nutella and milk 
            after all.

                            GRIMES
                    Quite the contrary, I've given up 
            ingesting things contained in any 
            artificial contained. I'm not a 
            robot, I'm a cardinal.

                            THE POPE
                    And a damned good one. Come on. We 
            can have a snack later. To the go 
            karts!

    INT - INTERPOL - NIGHT

    Hotshot too-old-for-this-shit drunken piece of shit with a 
    heart of gold and an estranged family NICK BOSCO (Bruce 
    Willis) pounds the desk. MRS DEBOURCHNIK - the middle aged 
    woman he's interrogating - sits still on the other side.

                            BOSCO
                    So I pounded the desk like this but 
            I just missed the ribbon and the 
            balloon ended up flying out the 
            window. My little girl never spoke 
            to me since. She loved that 
            balloon. She used to call it Mom. 
            Ever since her...

    Bosco sits down beside her, fighting back sobs.

                             MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    I know Bosco. But the balloon is 
            gone.

                            BOSCO
                    It might still be out there. I 
            remember it like it was yesterday. 
            I was in Germany, years ago. We 
            were staying in a hotel where there 
            was an inordiration on so the whole 
            place was crazy. The balloon went 
            out the window. I ran downstairs 
            and made some posters with some 
            crayons they gave me in reception. 
            Have You Seen This Balloon. I gave 
            it to reception to make copies, so 
            I didn't colour in the red in the 
            balloon because I knew it would 
            come out black.

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    Bosco..

                            BOSCO
                    No, I'd colour it in later. With 
            the red crayon. Sure I was asking 
            reception for a lot but I was a 
            desperate man. A man running out of 
            options. So while the posters were 
            being photocopied I ran outside...

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    Bosco, I'm ready to tell you the 
            information I've been withholding. 

                            BOSCO
                    .. and I swear to God it's true, 
            and don't care who says it isn't 
            because it happened.

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    Bosco...

                            BOSCO
                    ..a man dressed in black with a 
            creepy way about him and a face 
            like the deflated rugby ball got 
            into a black car with my daughter's 
            proviso mother. 

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    Bosco, it was The Pope. I was too 
            afraid to say anything until now 
            but as soon as I saw your set up I 
            knew you guys were serious about 
            taking him down.

                            BOSCO
                    This is all very well and good but 
            how does this get me back my 
            balloon?

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    I like you Bosco, you know what you 
            want. Next you must learn how to 
            take it. What are you going to do 
            to him?

                            BOSCO
                    We're going to issue an arrest 
            warrant, go through the proper 
            channels, have him breaking stones 
            for ten years, then hang him a 
            little bit every day for another 
            ten. 

                            MRS DEBOURCHNIK
                    Will you issue the warrant in his 
            name or in the name of the Pope?

                            BOSCO
                    Does it matter?

    Bosco's boss LIEUTENANT POLICEMAN storms in the door.

                            LIEUTENANT POLICEMAN
                    Goddammit Bosco, you've made a holy 
            hopping hopscotch cobblefuck of 
            this.

    INT - THE VATICAN - CONTINUOUS

    Grimes and The Pope are ravenously eating jars of Nutella 
    with spoons brown with chocolate. Grimes gets a text.

                            THE POPE
                    Good news?

                            GRIMES
                    Is it ever?

    The Pope looks at the text.

                            THE POPE
                    Prepare the Papal bazooka. 

    EXT - THE VATICAN - CONTINUOUS

    A media circus has pitched tent outside the Vatican. A 
    hundred reporters bark at a hundred television cameras.

                            NEWSREPORTER 1
                    .. sources at Interpol have said 
            that, yes, an arrest warrant has 
            been issued for the Pope...

                            NEWSREPORTER 2
                    .. the Pope will be taken by brutal 
            force if necessary...

                            NEWSREPORTER 3
                    There's loads of people, I repeat, 
            loads of people out here. Who knows 
            for what or why or for how long but 
            lets enjoy it while it last, hey!

    Newsreporter 3 cracks open a bottle of champagne, spraying 
    it on Newsreporter 1 and Newsreporter 2 who take it in 
    surprisingly good humour. A priest newsreporter eyes this 
    tom foolery with a rueful glare before stepping out into the 
    light. It's only Bosco dressed up!

    BRIAN - the Pope's Chief of Communications - addresses the 
    mob. 

                            BRIAN
                    Hello. I'm Brian. The Pope can't 
            come out and talk to you all 
            tonight because he's having an 
            early night in.

                            NEWSREPORTER 1
                    Bullshit! The light in his room is 
            still on.

                            BRIAN
                    He.. he must be reading.

                            NEWSREPORTER 2
                    If he's reading he can come down 
            and say a few words to address 
            these allegations.

                            BRIAN
                    Allow me to finish, allow me to 
            finish. He's sleep reading. 

                            NEWSREPORTER 3
                    Hello.

                            BRIAN
                    Hello.

                            NEWSREPORTER 2
                    Fuck this, lets rush him!

                            BRIAN
                    No! Don't! The Pope'll be raging!

    The crowd momentarily flood through the main gates before 
    fought back by a bunch of priests. Bosco ditches his 
    mircophone and effortlessly blends in. He starts following 
    signs to the Pope's room.

    INT - THE POPE'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

    Bosco knocks on the door, lets himself in.

                            THE POPE
                    You're new.

                            BOSCO
                    That's right your holiness. We 
            haven't met. I..

    Bosco spots a photo on the Pope's dresser. It's the Pope 
    with a red balloon taken in a bar circa the 1990's. Bosco 
    grabs the picture and shoves it in the Pope's face.

                            BOSCO
                    Where is she you son of a bitch?

                            THE POPE
                    Where is... who? You must forgive 
            me, I'm just an old Pope.

    Bosco breaks the Pope's thumb.

                            BOSCO
                    The one in the picture. The red 
            one.

                            THE POPE
                    The balloon?

    Bosco punches the Pope in the stomach. The Pope pulls a gun 
    out of his dresser and points it at Bosco.

                            THE POPE
                    You're either mad or insane or 
            both.

                            BOSCO
                (with an inexplicable 
                shit eating grin)
                    Yeah. Or both.

                            THE POPE
                    Who are you? You don't strike me as 
            a priest. I have imoeccable 
            Priestdar and you're not even 
            giving me the slightest blip. 

    Grimes comes up behind Bosco and whacks him with a small 
    wooden cross. Bosco knocks the gun out of the Pope's hands. 
    Six Vatican priest bodyguards burst through the door with 
    machine guns, blasting at Bosco. Bosco grabs a thurbal from 
    an altar boys, swings it round his head several times before 
    pulling the chain and unleashing a dozen boiling rocks into 
    the faces of the gunmen. Bosco grabs the gun and the Pope 
    and backs out of the room.

    INT - THE VATICAN PANIC ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

    Bosco sets the battered Pope down and begins calling for 
    help.

                            THE POPE
                    Your technology won't work in here. 

                            BOSCO
                    Shut up. You're going to jail.

                            THE POPE
                    Am I? Who is the arrest warrant 
            made out in the name of..

    Bosco hands the arrest warrant to the Pope.

                            THE POPE
                    The Pope.

                            BOSCO
                    That's you.

                            THE POPE
                    That was me. Before I transferred 
            my Popely powers one hour ago.

    The door to the panic room opens. Grimes stands on the other 
    side. 

                            GRIMES
                    Pope Grimes, I don't believe you've 
            had the pleasure but I do believe 
            you're trespassing. Men, throw him 
            out. Oh, hello Joe. Anything I can 
            get for you? New batteries for the 
            smoke alarm? Stocks in Napster 2.0?

                            THE EX POPE
                    Diplomatic immunity. 

                            GRIMES
                    Ask and you shall receive.

                            BOSCO
                    I'm gonna get you Pope. Both of you 
            Popes. Bopes. 

                            THE POPE
                    We'll see about that.

                            GRIMES
                    We'll old sea about that.

    The Pope and Grimes chuckle like a couple of wankers as 
    Bosco is led out by the Vatican guards. 

    CUT TO:                  

    ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE A LA THE PINK PANTHER WITH BOSCO TRYING TO GET THE POPE TO STEP OUT OF THE VATICAN CITY LIMITS