STUDENT TEACHER

Hello there, please find below the promo for RTE Storyland's "Student Teacher".

We filmed the first episode at the beginning of December in my old secondary school. The show stars Conor O'Toole as the titular Student Teacher, with support from Carol Toibin, Neil Molloy, Doireann O'Brien, Justin Brody, Kevin McGahern, Edwin Sammon, Rachel Roche and Kieran Lawless. Music is by the wonderful Brian Kelly. Crewed by lots of lovely people. The show is produced by Damon Blake and Rory Walsh. I'm the writer and director until its discovered that I'm unqualified to be either. Massive thanks to the Presentation College Athenry, the Raheen Woods, Thompsons B&B and the people of Athenry.

The show is going "live" on the 13th of February, at which point you can vote for your favourite web series. We're going to be putting up lots of great teaser content in the run up to the launch, as well as doing gigs all over the place. We may very well be coming to a university near you, provided you live in Ireland.

All "Student Teacher" activity can be found at www.facebook.com/studentteachershow




Special thanks to Harris Wittels from Don't Stop Or We'll Die for allowing us to use his band's music in our trailer.

Gangbusters sketches for Humourisms

Here are some sketches myself and Kev shot for Humourisms. The first concerns a self proclaimed MInister For Ghosts and was shot without permission in a graveyard. The second is a very childish Apprentice sketch featuring comedian Barry Mack with Student Teacher producer/ comedian Damon Blake.

MINISTER FOR GHOSTS



THE APPRENTICE



Special thanks to Padraig Conaty and Tom Walsh

Humourism articles 2011

In September I was invited to join the team at the comedy website Humourisms.com. I agreed so long as they didn't immediately get rid of me. We all had a good laugh at that one. The following day when I showed up late and drunk and crying CONSTANTLY, it was already too late. I wasn't going anywhere, regardless of how much they repeatedly asked me.
I've included all links in HTML on account of how gorgeous it looks and not because I'm still having trouble using the links.

A wikipedia page for Dana, a former Eurovision winner and current right wing religious nut, who unsuccessfully ran for President earlier this year.

HTML link

Irish Presidential candidates and their bewildering publicity photos:

HTML link

An extract from Maeve Binchy's new romance, which has been heavily influenced by Saw.

HTML link


Potential Oscar Hosts, 1992. Before they went with Letterman, the job was OJ Simpson's and Basic Instinct screenwriter Joe Eszterhas' to lose.

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Massive thanks to everyone at Humourisms HQ - Damon Blake, Kevin Lockard, Davey Reilly, Jon Hozier-Byrne, Conor O'Toole and George Fox.

THE LONDON RIOTS: A HERO'S STORY by Giles Brody

August 4, 2011 - Police investigating gun crime shoot 29-year-old Mark Duggan.

15 miles away in South Woodford our hero and his flatmate Dave are availing of the Indian restaurant across the road’s 3 courses for £10 menu. Both order tap water. Our hero will complain bitterly about a mutual friend who borrowed his favourite jumper.

August 6 (16.00 GMT) - Duggan's friends and family gather outside Tottenham police station for a peaceful protest.

Our hero gets a text from an old school friend, Eoin, who is in the city for one night. Our hero really should finish some work but is informed he cannot as it is Eoin's birthday eve.

August 6 (21.45) - riot police at the scene come under attack from people throwing bottles and missiles. A red London double-decker bus is set alight, there are reports of shops being looted.

6 miles away our hero meets Eoin who insists on drinking in a park.

August 7 (17.00) - the violence spreads to Enfield, a neighbourhood in northeast London. Shops windows are smashed and a police car is damaged.

After receiving news that his flatmates family are coming over to help clean the flat, our quick thinking hero decides to take Eoin up on his invitation to travel to Cambridge to continue the birthday celebrations.

August 8 (01.00) - Police say they are dealing with "copycat criminality" across London.

Our hero gets drunk with lots of lovely programmers in Cambridge, briefly considers becoming a programmer.

August 8 (05.30) - more than 100 people have been arrested overnight and nine police have been injured.

Our hero, Eoin and a German programmer named Christian arrive back at school friend’s house. The school friend and Christian play FIFA while our hero falls asleep on the couch complaining about the fate that has befallen his favourite jumper.

August 8 (16.00) - clashes are reported in Hackney, northeast London.

Christian and our hero head back to London. Christian mentions that he heard something about some riots in London. Our hero shows his empathy and astonishment by saying "Jaysus..." a lot.


August 8 (20.00) - TV news channels show aerial footage of large fires in Croydon.

Our hero returns to an immaculate flat. Dave and his girlfriend Opel arrive home. They talk about the riots. Our hero makes out that he's well up to speed on the topic. After talking to them he goes on twitter, searches for #londonriots. Jaysus.

August 8 (21:30) - The violence is reported to have spread to Clapham, an upmarket area in southwest London. Rioting follows in Ealing in the west and Woolwich in the east.

"Sure that’s miles away, we're grand out here in the sticks" - Our Hero.

August 9 (00:30)

Looters hit South Woodford removing an ATM and robbing a jewellers.

Our hero, recognising that the street is one minute away from his own, searches for something to cave a punk's head in should the situation arise calling for such a measure. In his panic he fashions a machete-truncheon out of a whisk, wooden spoon, carving knife and sellotape. The machete-truncheon will never be called to service.

August 9 (01:00)
There have been no new developments in South Woodford.

Our hero turns off the lights and starts walking between the two rooms facing onto the street, peering behind the curtains for signs of marauding youngsters with looted shoeboxes under one arm and grenade launcher under the other. Our hero writes a note about recent thug activity and leaves it outside Dave's door. It is written in such panicked cowardly hyperbole that the phrase "Good luck. We're going to need it" stood out as being particularly subtle. Our hero falls into a heroic sleep while clutching onto his laptop and machete-truncheon.

August 9 (11:00)
Cameron addresses the media, says he will recall parliament and put 16,000 police on the streets of the capital on Wednesday, almost three times the number out on Tuesday night.

Our hero, now with an opinion on the atrocities besieging his current city of residence, hypocritically yells "Where were you?" at Cameron before going onto twitter to double check that everyone else thinks he's a bastard before yelling more righteous vitriol at the prime minister.

August 9 (14:00) - Cameron visits Croydon to see the damage from the previous night's violence.

Our hero leaves South Woodford for his uncle's house. Shop owners and elderly members of the community stand out before the store fronts giving our hero, the only person on the street under the age of 50, the stink eye as he passes by. Such is his fleeting feeling of disenfranchisement our hero briefly considers looting them.

August 9 (15:00) 16000 police are deployed on the capital

At Holland Park our hero notices that a rug shop and a hair salon have had some of their windows broken. Our hero checks for news of rioting in the vicinity, opens pages just for tweets about Holland Park and Notting Hill. Although there is a lot of terrifying speculation and misinformation this exercise only proves that the film "Notting Hill" is watched somewhere on earth every fifteen minutes.

August 10 - August 15th Police reports that despite some disturbances there are no major incidents in the city.
- Hide quoted text -

Our hero takes this to mean that the rioters are merely biding their time. He rings up his friend to check on the jumper and breathes an over the top sigh of relief upon discovering that its fine. Feels a wee bit more relaxed. Realises he's allowed himself to become overtaken with fear, is going to go out and help with the clean out. While buying a brush our hero sees two youths, decides they are going to kill him, leaves the shop without the brush, invites himself to stay with his friend on the south coast.

August 15th (15:00) Attempted armed robbery in Holland Park

Our hero sees this tweet on the day he's planned on returning to the capital and changes his mind. He will find out later that the Holland Park mentioned in the tweet is in Australia.



This appears in the latest version of the zine "Flip Sake", special thanks to Heather Mills and Barry Richardson

MAINSTREAM COMEDY REVIEWS

Opening paragraph about how unpromising the film looks, set up for disparaging pun in the final paragraph:

"So it looks like well known blonde bombshell and well renowned shit-for-brains Cameron Diaz is playing a teacher. Is this sci-fi or comedy? And its written by the CUNTS who wrote Year One. It was with trepidation that I went into the cinema to see it for free. Would it be an A or would it have to stay late after school for, I dunno, joke classes or some shit?"

Second paragraph: brief details of the story which is consumed by details about the actor, the actor's personal life and a token credit from a film the actor would rather forget about so as to hammer home the point that they're shit.

"Diaz plays a bad teacher but really, the only thing she could teach me is how to sleep because I'm bored. In real life, Diaz goes out with fellas. One of the fellas she went out with was Justin Timberlake who is in this film as a teacher also. The last time this prick did comedy it was in The Love Guru which was bad."

Third paragraph: bemoaning the story's direction, hypothetical unasked for corrections which contain spoilers for the film as it exists now:

"The film follows Cameron Diaz's struggle to save up money for a boob job to impress Justin Timberlake. This is stupid. Were I the film's author, I would have made him the main person who needed a penis enbiggener. Jason Segal plays the goofy PE teacher she ends up with in the films final minute (SPOILER!)"

Forth paragraph: bullshit about wanting to like the film so as not to look like a troll but its all bullshit because ...

"I wanted to like this film but went in with a bad attitude. Added to that, everything I wanted to happen did not and as such I was disappointed."

Final paragraph: .... you complete the bitchy shitty joke set up in the first paragraph that jumped into your head the day the film was announced. Usually a pun on the title, the lead's profession, the director's previous films or something that only makes sense to you.

"All in all, Bad Teacher needs to stay late for Joke Class! Bad Teacher + Cameron Diaz = Bad Film."

Captain America: The Low Budget Years

from The Independent, August 1st:


The new Captain America film is a hit but, says Giles Brody, the super soldier's last outing provides a cautionary tale

Captain America is unbeatable. Last weekend the chemically enhanced super soldier knocked Harry Potter off the top spot at the US box office and, judging by its opening weekend in the UK, his new film is set to be the blockbuster of the summer.

His studio, Marvel, has recouped most of its £85m budget and the film's lead, Chris Evans, can finally forget his other Marvel franchise (the woeful Fantastic Four in 2005). But there was a time when the "Cap" wasn't beating all comers in the cinema. There was a time when he couldn't even get into the cinema.

Back then, Captain America's biggest foes were not Nazis or evil scientists, but shaky film financiers. In 1990, 21st Century Film made a Captain America film starring JD Salinger's son, Matt. The project came about when the producer Manahem Golan was given the rights to Captain America as part of his severance from Cannon Films, a company he had run with his cousin, Yoram Globus. Together they earned the nickname "the Go-Go Boys", for their fast and cheap film-making.

Then Golan couldn't afford a rights payment, which meant that unless he did something with the property, the title would revert to Marvel. The director Albert Pyun had read Stephen Tolkin's Captain America script. A lifelong fan, he convinced Golan that he could make the film on a relatively small budget of $6m and assured him that it would be made before the looming expiry date.

Many actors were considered for the hero, including Val Kilmer, Arnold Schwarzenegger and the American footballer Howie Long. The role eventually went to Salinger, who initially turned it down over funding concerns, on the advice of his lawyer. Joining him were Deliverance alumni Ronny Cox and Ned Beatty, with Scott Paulin playing Red Skull, the villain with a dastardly plan to control the president's brain.

Everything was falling into place, but for one thing. "They just ran out of money," Salinger said, in a recent GQ interview. "It was a lot of well-intentioned people that loved the story and loved the character and wanted to make a good film and just weren't able to."

Pyun told Las Vegas Weekly: "It was a miracle the production didn't shut down or fall apart. There was a day when we ran out of film and couldn't buy any more."

Golan sent his producer, Tom Karnowski to different countries with a suitcase, to pick up cash. On the days when they did have film, there was a niggling feeling that what they were making looked a bit too daft, even by superhero standards. Pyun's plan of casting two Steves – a pre-serum weakling and a post-serum man mountain – was nixed by Marvel. The latex and foam jumpsuit used was so constricting that Salinger lost a stone from overheating, making the sickly Steve bulkier then his chemically enhanced alter ego. The Captain's mask resembled a stretched swimming hat with a fridge magnet "A" on the front and rubber ears glued to the sides. Salinger wore it with all the enthusiasm of someone tricked into going to a black-tie event in fancy dress.

Indeed, there is nothing particularly super about this Captain. He spends most of his time retreating. He feigns car sickness twice, to rob cars. Even the elderly president he is sent to rescue proves more adept at beating up the bad guys.

The film was shot entirely in Yugoslavia – set-pieces in Alaska and California were abandoned. Action sequences were cut or deleted. Money was scrambled together for reshoots but they were not enough to help what Entertainment Weekly called its "shapeless blob of a plot".

The film convinced Salinger that he would be better off behind the camera, as a producer. He offered to perform a cameo in the new film but was defeated by scheduling. Today, the old Captain is philosophical about his time as a superhero. "Maybe future superhero movies were a little bit better because of the mistakes that were made".

To see how far the Captain has come, Albert Pyun's 124-minute Director's Cut of 'Captain America' is available from his www.pyun.com; 'Captain America: The First Avenger' is in cinemas nationwide"


Special thanks to Alice, John and Dave H.

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/features/the-cap-wasnt-always-so-marvellous-2329534.html

"Smell-o-vision" article for The Independent, 11th July

It featured in Time magazine's poll of 100 Worst Ideas of the Century, where it trumped, among others, mohawk haircuts and swine flu.

And now, like mohawk haircuts and swine flu, "Smell-O-Vision" is attempting a comeback. American filmmaker Robert Rodriguez announced that Spy Kids: All the Time in the World 4D will be released in "aromascope". The director told The Philadelphia Inquirer: "We brought 3D back the first time. We had to come up with a 4D, and the obvious choice was smell." He won't divulge what smells to expect ahead of the movie's 19 August release date, but does warn of a mischievous "smell prankster".

"Aromascope" is an improvement on the scratch and sniff "Odorama" cards from the likes of John Waters's 1981 comedy Polyester. To release the odours, audiences can "swipe" their finger (like an iPhone) over the panels. The film has Ricky Gervais giving a short tutorial before the film as robodog "Argonaut". It also has has the potential to be the rarest entry in the malodorous history of smelluloid – a box-office hit.

Samuel Roxy Rothafel was the first recorded pioneer of smell-cinema when he placed cotton wool soaked in rose oil in front of an electric fan during newsreel footage in 1906. 1960 was the next significant year for the aromatic cinematic industry when, in a clash Variety dubbed "the battle of the smellies", two producers competed to release the first fragranced film.

The producer Mike Todd Jr teamed up with Swiss inventor Hans Laube for 1960's Scent of Mystery, starring Peter Lorre. Laube's "Smell-O-Vision", first unveiled at the 1939 World Fair, emitted odours prompted by the movie's soundtrack. His costly and complicated system delivered scents via tubes leading to the audience's seats. Rival producer Walter Reade Jr's "AromaRama" was considerably less sophisticated, simply blasting smells through the cinema's air conditioning vents. Reade Jr's travelogue documentary Behind the Great Wall was the first into the cinema, treating audiences to 72 different smells from the orient. The film critic Bosley Crowther wrote: "The artistic benefit of it is here demonstrated to be nil."

Released weeks later, Scent of Mystery's advertisements heralded Laube's invention as a cinematic milestone, "First They Moved (1895)! Then They Talked (1927)! Now They Smell!" Todd Jr hyped the film through his newspaper connections and his own groan-inducing puns ("I hope it's the kind of picture they call a scentsation!"). Critics and audiences were unanimous in their appraisal of the film: it stunk. The smells were either too strong or too faint, the audience's sniffing too distracting, the whirring and hissing of Laube's brainchild too intrusive. Critics dismissed the whole thing as an unpleasant gimmick.

But it doesn't end there. In 2006, Japanese company NTT piped odours into cinemas for Terrence Malick's The New World. Their machine allows customers to "download" different scents. A recent press release from the University of California and SAIT in Japan proclaims they've developed a smell-o-vision device, which could add another aspect of realism to your TV viewing. The compact device produces around 10,000 scents.

Should smell-o-vision take off, expect a seismic shift in top 10 film lists. Trainspotting's popularity as a modern classic will go down the toilet, as will anything not set in a bakery. Chocolat will hurtle to the top of IMDB's top 250. Perhaps climate control will be the next innovation, with the cinema temperature corresponding to the film? Sweat your way through the hottest day of the year in Spike Lee's scorching Do the Right Thing! Watch Doctor Zhivago through a haze of your own frozen breath! Enjoy Andy's triumphant rain-drenched prison escape in The Shawshank Redemption while being soaked by the cinema's sprinkler system.

As with 3D and CGI, the reaction will depend largely on the entertainment it's enhancing. Perhaps a smell-o-vision version of 2006's Perfume: The Story of a Murderer could convince audiences of its value? For now, Rodriguez is leading the way in "new" old gimmicks.



Big thanks to David, Charlotte and John

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/films/features/have-you-smelled-any-good-films-lately-2311575.html

There Will Be Mitching

This was made in 2009 with the Transition Year students of the Presentation College, Athenry. Of the three classes I worked with, they were by far the most challenging i.e. 95% of them were dicks, although in their defence they were 16 and in a big group.

Special thanks to the 5% who were a lot of fun to work with and to the Galway Film Centre for the gig. Huge thanks to Eddie Connolly who helped me out hugely by playing Garda Eddie once more. He is far too modest and nice then anyone who is as funny as he is has a right to be. He could have really lorded that fact over me but he comes from a nice family.

Thanks to my mother Madely and my buddy Eoghan Quinn, who both took time out of shaping young minds to watch me hold a camera and scream unintelligibly at a group of moody teenagers.

This won an award. I didn't go to the screening and presentation of said award for fear that the kids would lynch me. I would like to dedicate this film to the lookalike I sent in my place who was tragically separated from his head at the 2009 Fresh Film Festival.

Enjoy!

Gangbusters Podcast Episode 5 "Petition.ie/Det Deegan" is now online

http://web.me.com/gangbusters/Site/Gangbusters/Gangbusters.html

Read it and weep scumbags.

Sorry, where are my manners, that might have been a bit hostile. How are you? Good? Good. Anything else? No? Fine.

I am pleased to announce that after a 2 week delay we've got a brand new episode of Gangbusters crammed full
of funny people and me struggling with my zoom recorder.

This week I'm joined by Petition.ie founder Gavin Portcullis (Kieran Lawless) about his inspiration behind the website, his plans to get The Offspring to play Croke Park and a proposed replacement for the Dublin Spire.

12:40 Kevin has an indecent proposal thrust upon him by his new boss.

16:35 We fast forward a week to interview the actor who plays Fair City's Detective Deegan who likes to be referred to only as Detective Deegan. He talks about his blooming props business, his inability to get paid, Shane McGowan's new boyband, various run ins with The Apprentice boss Bill Cullen and the Detectives confused relationship with Gabriel Byrne.

Theme music "The Next Last Thing" by So Cow from the album "These Truly Are End Times" available on i-tunes.
Thanks to Brian Kelly whose 2XM show "Fun To Hum" is on Monday at 11am, repeated on Friday at 10pm and is available on RTE Digital Radio.
Outro music: "Boom in the Sky" by Mali Junior from the album "The Smell of Bees" which you can also find on i-tunes.

Please write a nice review or rate us on i-tunes. If you can't be arsed doing that then the least you can do is become a fan on facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gangbusters/126039257414423?ref=ts

Fun Facts About The Guests
----------------------

- Kieran was my flatmate for the summer of 2006. He was neat both in terms of cleanliness and character. I was neither. I used a globey glass light cover as an ashtray and pretended that the smoke was Kitty O'Shea's ghost rising up to meet Parnell in heaven.
- Back then, Kieran was one year older then me and I one year younger. To date this has not changed.
- Emmet was the founder and first MC of Basement Club Comedy night comedy in DeBurgo's where myself, Kieran, Bob Hennigan, Sean Sheridan happily dicked about for years.
- Emmet once had a cigarette with Pete Postlethwaite and said he was sound.*

(To clarify, Emmet told me that Pete Postlethwaite was sound. He didn't tell Pete Postlethwaite that he was sound. Pete Postlethwaite probably already knew that he was sound but didn't want to lord it over everyone. Because he was so sound.)


Not So Fun Facts
-------------

Pete Postlethwaite died earlier this year. His last film was "Inception", no matter what imdb says about something called "Killing Bono".

How a Hollywood hit became a criminal idea

by Giles Brody

If hacks borrow and geniuses steal, into what category do we put thieves who steal their criminal ideas from films? On Sunday, a daring raid in suburban Chicago was carried out by two armed criminals dressed in plastic nun habits, complete with masks. Their dress and robbery style was identical to those used by the career criminals in Ben Affleck's critically praised 2010 movie, The Town, set in Charlestown, Massachussetts, "the bank robbery capital of America".

Affleck's sophomore film made its way onto a number of critic’ Top 10 lists, but is now top of a less appealing chart. Since its release in September last year, the Oscar- nominated film has been cited as a direct inspiration in three different armed robberies.

The first real-life homage was staged in Gwinnett County, Georgia in December. Two men entered a jewellery store wearing clown and camouflage masks, and brandishing weapons. They made off with $68,000 in sparklers. It wasn't until a few days later when officers stopped a car flagged for auto thefts that the gang’s identity was uncovered. The police found four masks and a black Glock replica BB gun. Seung Woo Park, 18, admitted to police that the heist was inspired by the The Town.

The second copycat robbery was in early January in Florida, when two robbers wearing masks, dark clothing and gloves entered the Delray Beach bank. One robber controlled the crowd while the other went for the vault; he secured $67,000 before they escaped in a silver Cadillac. Their perfect getaway was hindered by police and news helicopters, which chased the thieves across three counties. The criminals abandoned the Cadillac but were rounded up by police shortly afterwards. Once again, one of the alleged robbers said he got the idea from The Town.

The third copycat raid - by far the most loyal to the source material – took place on Sunday in a Chicago suburb. Two robbers, one female and one male, entered the TFC Bank dressed as nuns and brandishing weapons, and made off with an undisclosed sum, which, if the pattern of the other crimes is consistent, was presumably $66,000 (and only 65 more copycats until The Town's copycat robberies become financially unedifying) . The nuns escaped and, as yet, police have no clues as to their identities. Perhaps this time they actually were reverend sisters.*

For criminals to take cues from popular films is hardly new. In 2008, two men were arrested after a heist reminiscent of the opening scene of Guy Ritchie’s 2000 movie, Snatch. Jules Dassin's masterful 1955 crime film Rififi was banned in Mexico and Finland because its atmospheric, 30-minute heist sequence was considered a how-to guide for budding jewel thieves. Logic has prevented real life reenactments of Reservoir Dogs from happening (Sunglasses. Pros: look cool. Cons: only cover a tenth of the face) . However there's evidence that not all thieves are as cunning. You’d have thought that the ending of The Town - where several of the gang members meet with sticky ends - would have put off most would-be criminals. But perhaps they were too busy hatching their plan to watch the whole film. **

* John wrote this joke. Thanks John.
** someone at The Independent wrote that last line. Kudos to you, whoever you are

(c) Independent UK, pg 26/27 "i"
3/6/11

Gangbusters Podcast Episode 4 "The Priest Detective" is now online

Hello gang,
I'm happy to announce that a new episode of Gangbusters is now online and available for download
at the link below.

http://web.me.com/gangbusters/Site/Gangbusters/Gangbusters.html

The official uploading was supervised by the Mayor of the Internet down at a civil function at
Internet City Hall, just so you know its all on the level. In the latest episode I talk to Fr Rex Clancy
(who sounds suspiciously Kevin McGahern) about juggling the religious life with unlicensed sleuthing.

You can sign up to the Facebook page for news, jokes and other free online comedy delights.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gangbusters/126039257414423?ref=ts

If you enjoy the show (or really want to spite someone who doesn't) why not share it with a few
people or post a comment on i-tunes.

Way sound,

Giles

Gangbusters Podcast Episodes 2 and 3 !

I'm pleased to announce that the Gangbusters podcast is online and available at

http://web.me.com/gangbusters/Site/Gangbusters/Gangbusters.html

or

http://bit.ly/lfBQHR


Episode 2 is an interview with Brendan Gill, programme director of The Abbey Theatre. He speaks to me about his passion for recreating forgotten matches of yesteryear on the stage and his obsession with puppets.

In Episode 3 I interview Supt Delaney about all things concerning the Queen and Obama's visits to Ireland. I try to get to the bottom of a 2 week Aslan and helicopter festival on Achill proposed to lure troublemakers away from the capital during these state visits, and also discuss Operation Decoy Queens.



by and with Giles Brody & Kevin McGahern

I-Rate: Crystal Swing and a miss - Ireland's musical hate affair

Crystal Swing are a showband made up of three members of the Burke family from Cork - Mary, the mother, Derek, the son, and Dervla the daughter. They exploded onto the scene last year when their shoddy promo video "She Drinks Tequila" became a youtube sensation. They were interviewed on The Late Late Show and Ellen and came across as friendly, amiable sorts. However when asked to decipher the root causes of their new found fame, the Burke's attributed it to the song and the quirky energy of the video. We at home smirked at their innocence, we knew EXACTLY why the video was a hit, and if Crystal Swing knew they probably never would have left the house until the whole thing has blown over. The reason why the first video was so popular was because it looked like the son was going to do the daughter while the mother watched/cheered on. Its an unpleasant thought that reflects very poorly on our standards as a nation but its 100% true.

Their latest song, a cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse Of The Heart", is accompanied by a video that's a cross between Straw Dogs and Meatloaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love". The video was made for Republic of Telly and features Derek beating up a squad of bikers that have chained up his mother and sister. The video was made by the perpetually snide Republic of Telly which, Rubberbandits aside, has all the artistic merit of a senile family member rereading the same joke from a Christmas cracker for the fifth time. The video piles on the incestuous vibes, going so far as to show the Burke siblings screaming declarations of love into each others face with unblinking unnerving eye contact.

Irish show bands probably consists of a long and proud history of sibling serenades. Donna and Joe from Eurostar a few years ago used their "will they/won't they/they're brother and sister you know/really? gross" factor to represent us in Europe. Unfortunately their mixture of Zeus and Hera sexual tension and music so bad it'd make your ears fall off your head and then jump off a bridge failed to impress the 200 million people watching. And when Donna and Joe came back we tore shreds out of them as if their victory had been preordained, a destiny that was scuppered by a lack luster performance on the night. We, the Irish people, had no more cause to be disappointed in Donna and Joe for failing to win Eurovision then I have cause to be upset with my dog for not answering my phone and taking a detailed message while I was out of the room. If the song is bad and the performers awkward and not terribly talented then failure is more of an inevitability then not.

Jedward, a harmless twin brother pop duo, are the latest family to benefit from Ireland's love affair with awful music and the snide confidence from anyone over the age of 14 that they're definitely doing each other. With hair they look like they photocopied from Brad Pitt in Johnny Suede coupled with a shrillness that could melt concrete, John and Edward were declared national heroes before we'd even heard them not quite sing. Try as I might I can't out and out dislike them. One of them ( I think the one whose predominantly on the left) broke his leg on stage and carried on in agony until the end of the performance. When you consider the sympathy pain that twins feel for each other that shows an unfathomable level of commitment. I once hastily wrapped up a stand up gig because the ice in my coke had melted, leaving my drink more watery then I care for.

The ability to sing has never stood in the way of many of a non singer finding work as a singer. This can be good and bad, there's a sliding scale. The likes of Bob Dylan and Townes Van Zandt might be told to shut up in a pub if they started singing "The Gambler" but they're recognised for the artistry of their words and the character of their performance. Conor Deasy from The Thrills (I can't remember if they were siblings who were all doing each other or not, they probably were) probably has a harder time but he's still the songs author and that's got to be worth something, even if the songs are ridiculously over romanticised love letters to one's J1 work visa destination.

(Incidentally I've written my own album about my American summer work experience. Its called "Fuck The Thrills". It charts myself and my friend Steve's journey throughout that magical summer of 2005.
1) "The World Is Our Oyster"
2) "We're Getting Jobs In Manhattan!"
3) "Wait, No We're Not!"
4) "The Two Best Cleaning Ladies Fire Island Hotel Has Ever Seen"
5) "That Cat-sized Cockroach We Share Our Room With Hates Me The Most"
6) "I Don't Tan, I Go Red And Then Green"
7) "My Boss Tells Me London Bombings Or No, I Can't Call Checking On Anyone's Safety Until After My Shift"
8) "That Girl Who Kissed Me Has A Fiancee and He's Mental"
9) "Eating Through A Straw"
10) "The Straw Broke, Where Am I Going To Get The Money For Another Straw"
11) "Lads, Meet Your New Roommate Tony. He's A Prick Who Will Have Sex With His Girlfriend On The Top Bunk"
12) "Steve And I Race To See Who Can Cry Themselves To Sleep The Quickest"
13) "There Is Not God"/ "Eating Through A Straw" reprise

)

When Crystal Swing are elected by the people to represent us in Ireland next year, the country needs to immediately adopt a "Well they tried their best" attitude. We're not a nation of winners, not anymore, and we've nobody to blame but ourselves. If the Eurovision is so important to us then why don't we beg someone like Neil Hannon to hop on a plane and restore our national musical dignity. There's some great bands and recording artists in Ireland at the moment. If only we give a tenth of our attention to celebrating and championing and forwarding on good music by good artists, then maybe we could finally start fighting our way out of what we've become - a nation of hypocrites snidely honouring shite while simultaneously eulogizing quality.

The White Wires - Lets Go To The Beach

Ian from The White Wires very kindly allowed me to direct a video based on their ace song "Let's Go To The Beach".

Special thanks to Jonny White for introducing me to the band
Brian Kelly for his relentless support and for tabbing the song
my brother Justin for teaching it to my Dad
my Dad (Frank) for learning it and cajoling his friends into taking part
Lily and Sean from Hansberry's Athenry for letting us take over their pub for a few hours
big thanks to Simon, my mother and all the unwitting extras and Roisin
thanks to Cormac Walsh for his Cormac Walshfulness
and the biggest thanks of all, as always, to Rory Walsh, for being a cross between Artie from Larry Sanders and Jesus Christ.

KevBall CV

After Kevin loses his job, its up to the Ball to step up and become the flats breadwinner.

Written & Directed by Giles Brody and Kevin McGahern